Television from Hell

Mark Lewis finds watching ITV1 on a Tuesday night is about as good a decision as voting off Sezer

I’ve just had one of my own so called Honeymoons from Hell (Tuesday ITV1 8pm). I went away for two and a half weeks, came back, and ITV1 had turned into Channel 5. I’d compare it to Sky 1, but at least those guys would have the decency to soften the blow by scheduling 12 consecutive hours of Malcolm in the Middle, after it. ITV1 went with Britain’s Biggest Spenders.

Honeymoons had the sort of chirpy voiceover which belongs on those programmes they schedule after ITV football games just in case they have to drop them if the football goes into extra time. It wasn’t Robbie Williams’s boyf… erm friend, Jonathan Wilkes presenting it but it should have been. And it went on for an hour at primetime. An hour!

Still we did learn a thing or two about the classes. Here’s the first thing: the crappiness of a honeymoon is directly proportionate to how common the couple. One posh couple brought a pig on their honeymoon and had a marvellous time. One seriously common couple went to Sri Lanka, and got stuck in the middle of a Tamil Tiger firefight. Here’s the second thing: posh men marry acidulous pigs. One sour-faced bitch nearly split with her husband because the safari guide annoyed her.

And just look at Prince Charles. He went on holiday to his own house in Balmoral, brought a pig and still looks jolly cheerful.

Speaking of cheerful people pigs and being too nice, what about Sam eh? Five nominations for being too nice. Godammit. Too nice? You were wrong David Cook (see post from June 2): You and the 92% of people who voted off Sezer last week. Before then no-one was nice to anyone on Big Brother (Channel 4, 9pm). Now they’re being voted off for being too nice, or ‘just a weird bitch,’ as Mikey would have it.