Holly-Go-Depressingly

What’s become of the north’s third best soap? Helen Parton reckons it’s almost come to the [East]ender the line.

“It’s nothing but suffering and heartache!” - no that’s not a lament from Colleen and Co examining their bunions and STILL not being able to track down the perfect pair of Louis Vuitton lederhosen after a hard day hitting the shopping boulevards of Germany, but the desperate cry of Disarmingly Young and Attractive Mother on Hollyoaks (6:30pm, Channel 4) of her time in Chester. I swear it wasn’t like that when I was growing up there. It was
literally, er, fields.

And I swear it wasn’t so goddam depressing last time I watched Hollyoaks either. Within the first five minutes - as well as the obligatory close up cleavage shots and male model poses to a thumping indie bassline (just to ensure that this programme is most definitely aimed at DA YOOF) - there was Tony being asked to go and identify a body which what might have been his missing wife Mandy, plus Becca and Random Goth Schoolgirl arguing dramatically as only over-enunciating stage school teen queens can.

Apologies to regular viewers for my lack of knowledge of actual character names, but in my opinion this doesn’t repay the effort put in, as they will doubtless be supplanted by identikit ones in a matter of months. I know who Becca is though and no mistake. She is the slaaaaaag of Cheshire who has seduced the young schoolboy Justin, making her husband Jake abandon his entire range of Stu..stu…studioline haircare products in the process. He now favours mooching about with a can of Heineken in hand, fringe pushed forward. Oh the shame!

But back to Tony. What has become of the poor chap and his odd little forehead scar? Once upon a time, he was worrying about not winning best soufflé in the north west and horsing around with Bombhead. Now he’s in turmoil over wife disappearance and being cuckolded by his brother, to the point where he even throws Max to the floor in one scene. And to think, we
assumed Max’s character was only good for frollicking round in a bath with OB, like a junior version of Last of the Summer Wine. C’mon Hollyoaks, cheer up! Where’s the lamely scripted jokes, useless babble about footballers and seeing who can appear most orange on screen? Oh yes, that’ll be the ITV World Cup commentary team then.