Dear Dermot…

After waking up with Dermot O’Leary, prickly rogue Richey Nash can’t help an early morning rant.

So I woke up with housewives’ favourite Dermot O’Leary in my bedroom. The swine. It’s fine though: I’d left my TV on all night. That doesn’t mean Dermot had got in through my window like a TV-loving moth, just that Big Brother’s Little Brother (Channel 4, 7.25am) was on when I woke up. Phew. But it’s Friday, it’s sunny, it’s my day off: that’s not what I want. You see dear Dermot, bless him, takes Big Brother too damn seriously. In this BBLB, a repeat, he was asking serious questions to semi-celebrities. Again. It’s what he does best.

“So the Armstrongs…” (y’know, the real David Brents from that BBC2 show) “…which BB inmate would you hire?” What? Who cares? And why are you asking the Johnsons? I saw that show (y’know, the one about Coventry’s third biggest double-glazing firm) and the Armstrongs only employ talentless fools with no social skills. Actually on second thoughts, the BB house is probably a fertile hunting ground. In the end they opted to employ Sam: well, heshe’ll need something to do after being evicted.

And Dermot also talked to chef Aldo Zilli about Glyn’s laughable efforts in the kitchen. So what was he going to say? “Oh, I'm not sure life in the kitchen will ever be the same after Glyn's revolutionary approach”? Of course not. Dopey giraffe Glyn hadn’t boiled an egg or made a sandwich before going into the house. Really. And who cares what these semi-celebs think anyway? Eh? I mean, maybe I’ve been watching Russell Brand on Big Brother’s Big Mouth too much, but BBBM is what Big Brother should be all about: the great British unhosed shouting loudly. Mainly about how much they hate Grace. Hooray.

Why can’t BBLB do more of that? We don’t want over-serious Dermot and a troupe of dancing psychologists analysing the freaks in the BB circus. We want to laugh, to whinge, to bitch, and it’s shocking that Dermot hasn’t grasped that, even after six series of BBLB. Crikey. It’s not like he hasn’t got time on his hands: he could give that some thought during the nine fallow months when BB’s not on. I mean, does he actually do anything else? At least Davina did a sycophantic ill-fated BBC primetime chat show. True, we didn’t ask her to, but at least she’s keeping busy.