Depressingly late

Big Brian Yates says (late) last night's TV was darker than an episode of Twin Peaks with the lights off.

Welcome to the dark night of the human soul. Only people with totally irresponsible social lives or those with no jobs to go to in the morning watch the telly after midnight, but I’d been out to see Gomez (that’s rock and roll, baby) and came in late so I gave it a whirl. I was hoping to catch a glimpse of Big Brother (Channel 4, E4, More4, all the time) where I was led to believe ordinary people make a spectacle of themselves by pretending to be extraordinary people pretending to be ordinary.

But no luck, so I tried Panorama (BBC2, some god awful time of night). This told us that we were all going to die a nasty and untimely death very soon. Something to do with climate change. It proved this by showing a clever-looking bloke talking to the camera in extreme close-up with some fire in the background. Not impressed!

I tried BBC News 24. This told me about horrific shootings in both Iraq and Hampshire: by a 14-year-old! As if this wasn’t grim enough, we moved onto a story a about someone raping a 3-month-old baby. How much can a human being take?

I switched channels to the most terrifying show of all: ITV’s The Mint looked like a dumbed-down version of the lottery show with grinning presenters who you knew were the kind of people you didn’t talk to at school because they were (a) stupid, (b) loud and (c) stupid. They were trying to give money away by inviting viewers to guess what was in their heads. Tough one! I soon suffered a near-death experience and switched finally to Channel 5’s Golazo Football Show (1am). Apparently everyone’s very excited about some football tournament that’s coming up soon, and Italia is expected to put up a good show. This cheered me up no end! Gomez, in contrast to all this, were wonderful.