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If the The Apprentice job was to be a BBC executive, whoever commissioned Danny Wallace again would go in the first week, says Richey Nash

Forget X-factor. Any project featuring smug dullard Danny Wallace has a Y-factor. Like, why am I bovvered if you’re starting a country in your flat? Or, why do I care if stupid tossers join your stupid cult? And, why does anyone give a shizzle if you’re saying ‘Yes’ to everything? And now School’s Out (BBC1, 7pm), a show where Wallace plays the dull supply teacher and shows that celebrities can’t answer moronically simple school questions. Shocking! Why would anyone commission this drivel? It’s basically a celebrity circle jerk, soundtracked by the nervous laughter of an audience that’s just found someone in the row behind is a paedophile. Possibly. In fact, the only redeeming bit was when they wheeled out a young, strict-looking French woman in a suit to: (1) test foreign language skills and (2) look attractive. Fantastique!

And women in suits were centre stage in the final of The Apprentice (BBC2, 9pm), with Ruth and Michelle battling it out for a job at Sir Alan Sugar’s Amstrad. But being honest, that’s not the real reason I watched. No, the main event was seeing losers from previous weeks come back to mess it all up. Hooray! Enter stage left sleazy ‘East Ender’ Syed, Brummie fruitcake Jo and walking ego Paul. Pairing up Syed and Paul was a hilarious disaster, yet eventually they helped Michelle put on a James Bond 00Heaven party. And it looked dodgy for Ruth when Sir Alan Gissa-Job called from a Mediterranean yacht to rant about her ludicrous murder mystery theme. Still, why was he was holidaying with a camera crew? Almost like it’d been planned. Hmmm…

So who won? (drumroll) Michelle. Now she gets to work in an Amstrad dungeon, probably on a back scratcher with the texture of the boss’ stubbly nearly-beard. Lovely. And Ruth can console herself trying to find an answer to the question of the series: what does Amstrad actually do? I mean, aside from act as Sir Alan’s personality cult. Anyone? No? Well, I know I’ll be thinking about that for the next nine months. Or maybe I’ll give up when The Apprentice USA kicks off. Bring it on. Just remember this, Donald Trump: you’re nowhere near as successful as Sir Alan. And if you say you are, he’ll feed you to the pigs. Now shut it!