Big Bovvered

Moorhen? Biscuit-faced bear? Auntie's evil cat? Richey Nash gives his first impressions on the inmates in TV's favourite asylum...

Being on Television Review’s Big Brother unit makes me feel like Martin Sheen at the start of Apocalypse Now. I know covering BB7 will be long and painful, I know I’ll see horrors, but I’m committed. Hell, I’m a professional. But three months? That’s rough. So what will we see? Dull lipstick lesbianism? Drunken late-night fingerings? Idiots conspiring as if they’re intelligent? Stupid people doing stupid things in a bid to become infamous? Davina McCall being annoying? It’s a big fat ‘yes’ on all counts. And some violence, if we’re lucky.

You see, I have no sympathy for any of the inmates - sorry, housemates - and here’s why:
(1) They want to be in there.
(2) They know what to expect.
(3) They get what they deserve.
Period. That’s it. Case closed.

But there’ll be plenty of time to discuss how awful it all is. Big Brother launch night (Channel 4, 9pm) isn’t about that. It’s our chance to revel in the foul pieces of humanity who’ll be polluting our minds and burned into our retinas until the middle of August. Glory be! Now, remembering each person in this filth parade is a big job, but fear not: I’ve included the Richey Nash Animal-O-Meter. A what? An Animal-O-Meter. Y'know, so you can identify them by an animal at a later date if you can’t remember their name. Kind, eh? Well here goes:

Bonnie (20)
Will eat, sleep and get kicked out early for looking like she’s scheming.
Animal: Koala in fake tan

Dawn (38)
Cut her open and you’d find coal where internal organs should be.
Animal: Psychotic people-hating panther

George (19)
Tossy public school posh boy with, like, Royal connections, ya.
Animal: Preening Shetland pony

Glyn (18)
Nudist Welsh kid who says he’s a lifeguard but ain’t David Hasselhoff.
Animal: Dopey giraffe

Grace (20)
It Girl wannabe who creams over Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing.
Animal: Bush baby

Imogen (23)
Looks fit and friendly. Then she destroys your genitals for the hell of it.
Animal: Auntie’s evil cat who’d scratch your face as soon as look at you.

Lea (35)
So much plastic surgery she only moves her face to slag off the fat.
Animal: Scraggy old dignity-dodging moorhen.

Lisa (27)
Massive tool who thinks life is a nightclub. Shut up, just shut up etc.
Animal: Brown bear with a biscuit-shaped face.

Mikey (23)
Ladies loved him. Then his mouth opened and spewed pure misogyny.
Animal: Scouse orangutan with Italian stylings.

Nikki (24)
Pathetic little poor girl who wants to be a spoilt little rich girl.
Animal: Stupid rabbit on a trampoline.

Pete (24)
Wideboy with Tourette’s and a Keith Richards complex.
Animal: ‘Gor blimey’ peacock in a pork pie hat.

Richard (33)
Canadian tosspot. Sees every guy as a, err, toss pot. Mmm… lovely.
Animal: Dog in heat that humps your leg before you’re in the front door.

Sezer (26)
Thinks he looks like an r&b star. Actually looks like a boyband off-cut.
Animal: Chameleon, snake… whatever, it’s reptilian.

Shahbaz (37)
Gay Muslim who’ll start crying within three days and never stop.
Animal: Middle-aged gerbil on MDMA.