Big Breakdown

Day 12: that's the same as the number of months in a year. That spooky symbolism makes this the perfect time for Richey Nash to run down what's happened in Big Brother. In his car of journalism.

A girl ran up to me in the street and screamed hysterically: “Oh my God. Isn’t Big Brother 7, like, the best ever?” I said nothing. And then pushed her in front of a 281 bus. Why? Because BB7 (C4/E4, all the time) isn't great. She's wrong. Even if you think I'm a 22-year-old crotchety old man, screw you: you know I'm right. But it's what the yoof of today are watching so, if you want to keep up with what they're on about, here's the story so far:

Shahbaz leaves: He went on BB7 to show how normal a gay Muslim can be. Then he went mad and pledged to commit suicide on TV. Sadly, he left before he did. Shame.
Dawn leaves: Kicked out for getting a coded message in oh so cryptic ‘English language’. Now MI5 beckons. Or is that MFI?
‘Bonner’ evicted: She was an idiosser – a cross between ‘idiot’ and ‘tosser’ – who’ll do a couple of photo shoots then get washed back into the sewers. Probably.
George leaves: He didn't want to be famous so left, though most of the housemates will achieve the same by staying. “I don’t want to be on TV,” he told the world. “Then why go on Big Brother?” the world replied. Oh, give me strength. Posh knob'ead.

So what else? Well, we've got to see reptilian Sezer the sleazer (aka BB7's Syed) morph into King of the Twats. Or should that be Emperor? Whatever, he's not as clever as he thinks he is and I’ve already bought a special gun to shoot his face off. Unless auntie’s evil cat Imogen stabs him in the back first. Like that Shakespeare play. Yes. And talking of drama, two more 'people' have gone into the house. Whoop-di-doo. You know what that means? Yes, it's the return of the Richey Nash Animal-O-Meter. Hooray:

Aisleyne
Speaks white ghetto patois but worries you might think she’s posh.
Animal: Swan rolling in mud, chewing gum and dog poo.

Sam (aka Samuel)
Quite convincing Scottish transvestite. Oh God... I need new eyes.
Animal: Hedgehog in telltale slightly-too-thick make-up.

There have also been the boring bed-hopping shenanigans. It's the kind of thing you'd expect from the yoof of today and I won't dignify it by writing about it. So that’s that. For now.