How very immature...

Richey Nash regresses mentally as Westwood's goons show him how to pimp his ride and Kate Humble shows him beaver

Jay’s a tubby longhaired guy in a blue bandana with a skanky little goatee and fronts Cornish rock band Sin City. He drives an old hearse that’s held together with sellotape, and if it’s raining you need an umbrella to make sitting in the passenger seat bearable. If corpses had a choice they wouldn’t be caught dead in it.

Luckily he’s got Pimp My Ride UK (Channel 5, 6.30pm), starring middle-aged patois-spouting idiot DJ Tim Westwood (pictured, pictured and pikchad y'all).

It started with Jay showing Westwood his car, pampering the presenter’s ego by saying he uses the tinny stereo to listen to Westwood. Sorry Tim, he doesn’t. No self-respecting rock fan listens to Westwood. Come to think of it, no self-respecting human being listens to Westwood.

“It ain’t gangster. It ain’t a good look,” was Westwood’s verdict on the car. And he’d know about bad taste, dressed in a black, white and red stripey polo shirt that mad old sailors at Cowes Week might think about rejecting on the grounds of public decency.

Westwood then took the hearse to mechanics that aren’t nearly as entertaining as the crew in the American version. Then again, if you want charisma, you don’t look in Kwik Fit. But they started working on big plans for what to do with Jay's car.

“Jay and his mates can watch films on one of the biggest TVs you’ve ever seen… in the back of a car,” said the audiovisual expert. What? One of the biggest TVs they’ve ever seen in the back of a car? Bigger than the 14” model they drive back and forth from uni? Hot diggity dang that’s exciting!

But they did their stuff and in the end the hearse looked like the best way to ruin a funeral. God only knows what subliminal message an undertaker would be trying to send out if they turned up in a white hearse with huge flames down the side.

Inside was a ‘VIP lounge’ made of MDF, with purple and black leather upholstery, and a cinema with a DVD player. The way they built up the DVD player you’d think it’s one of the most exclusive gadgets in the world. Come on guys... they sell DVD players in Asda nowadays.

In the back the 'ceiling' was decorated with photos of classic rock stars including Ozzy Osbourne, Kiss and, err, Westwood. At least Jay seemed to like it, but I don’t trust his opinion seeing as at this point he’d got a head full of embarrassing dreadlocks. Still, the embarrassment of them faded into the background as we watched the obscene spectacle of Westwood in a white and green lumberjack shirt playing inflatable guitar.

“Show my boy some respect,” said Westwood. I don't think so. Why should I respect anyone in a car that marks itself out as a target for thieves? I’m sure some carjacker will enjoy watching films on one of the biggest TVs they’ve ever seen… in the back of a car.

“I think people are going to take our band more serious,” said Jay. What? In a white Ghostbusters hearse? The only way they'll begin to take you 'more serious' is if you find another hearse and stick your musical career in a big box in the back of it.

In need of serious viewing I switched to The One Show (BBC1, 6.55pm) to see journeymen presenters Adrian Chiles and Nadia Sawalha doing a link for a piece by Kate Humble. Dressed in a green shirt as usual, Humble was looking for beavers. Snigger. It had all the makings of a hilarious five minutes including sentences like:

“I have to wait until night time for the beavers to come out.”

“For these beavers there’s no escape: it’s a two-pronged attack.”

“Not everyone wants a beaver in their back yard.”

I want a beaver in the back yard, but my girlfriend’s very stubborn. Snigger. The last time I tried ogling a beaver through binoculars I got a restraining order. Double snigger. Oh come on, I’m a simple man, but Humble’s broadcast left me satisfied as she showed off a very hairy specimen. Triple snigger.

After that hilarity Chiles and Sawalha handed over to a broadcast about hen parties in Cardiff. I switched channels: I’d seen quite enough beaver for one night. That wasn't my decision, though. It was my girlfriend's, after all those childish water-dwelling animal jokes. Damn it!