Bring 'em back

David Davies wants too see a televival of some of the best bloody programmes ever. Ever!

The demise of TOTP has been well lamented by Helen Parton. In the wake of the wake, I am here to lighten the mood a little. The beeb has killed some proper institutions over the last few years, TV shows as old as TV itself, and admittedly in some cases, twice as dusty. Still, there is nothing a bit of spit and polish won't fix. Here is me playing advocate for some facelifts the likes of which even Joan Rivers would shy away from.

Byker Grove: bring back Ant and Dec. Each episode will involve a paintball-related incident, preferably with Ant or Dec getting a face full of semi-toxic Dulux dog killers. Broadcast after the watershed, to glowing reviews. The Times calls it, '...the funniest thing since PJ and Duncan's acting.'

Davina: [distant laughter].

Grandstand: the BBC has lost the rights to show any sporting event that happens more than once every four years, so coverage will be of Bill and Charlie's game of 2p football down the Nag's Head. Commentary would come from Saint and Greavsie, with anchorman Jim Bowen presiding over events.

Robot Wars: get rid of the robots, and the wars, and make a fly-on-the-wall documentary about the social lives of these people. Think how exciting a blow by blow account of their latest epic game of Warhammer would be, or the adolescent thrill of watching Derek and his son Gilbert from Milton Keynes completing Kingdom Of Big Castles on their overclocked PC.

This Is Your Life: scrap Michael Aspel, the human equivalent of cous cous, and bring in Jimmy Saville, a man who's seen more action than a Viet Cong ladyboy. Guests would be inconsequential, as the entire show would be devoted to Saville recollecting stories of when he was in the back of a taxi with the Beatles and Ringo said something hilarious.

Tomorrow's World: hire Louis Theroux and make it weird. His gentle brand of grilling would encourage scientists around the world to explain just how digital radio has managed to remain revolutionary for close to a decade, why the M25 is still classed as a motorway instead of a car-powered shitstorm, and why the Ark Of The Covenant on Dan Cruickshank's Around The World In 80 Treasures had a Yale lock.

Top Of The Pops: hosted by Melvyn Bragg and returned to it's classic Thursday night slot, each show would start, 'It's Thursday, it's 7.30, it's Top Of The Pops, but where does the term 7.30 come from, did the Mayans use it, and will my hair combust in this studio lighting?'

Come on Auntie. You have shown with Top Gear and Doctor Who that reviving supposedly dead formats is something you can be good at, if you devote the resources to them and have the gall to market them as well as you did. I for one hope that Top Of The Pops is simply on holiday, whether it returns with Melvyn Bragg as host or not. It's called Daddy Cool, kids.