David Who?

Almost reduced to Tennant’s by Tennant, Helen Parton is then revulsed by Burrell and finds the kids are alright

There’s quite a few things to discombobulate the viewer about David ‘Doctor Who’ Tennant’s appearance on Wednesday’s Who Do You Think You Are? (9pm, BBC1). Not least the fact that he has a hell of a Scottish accent in real life, albeit quite a middle class one. He is also sporting a big straggly beard (which he has yet to dye a comedy crimson shade like professional Caledonian Billy Connelly. Thank God). Thirdly, there’s no Billie Piper hanging around parroting ‘ohmygodinnit there’s a Cyberman/Dalek abahhhhht to do us in doctor innit’ and the programme is all the duller for it. In fact, it’s quite dull all told.

Even one of the lovely historians he meets on his travels to uncover his ancestry enquires as to whereabouts of his Tardis as they hike across the Isle of Mull to see where his relatives once toiled on the bleak Highland landscape. This programme has all the good intentions of someone who’s just come back from holiday, but looking at someone’s else’s holiday snaps is as boring as following somebody else’s family tree. Sorry David, you seem like a nice fellow too, and extra cool points for taking your surname from Neil Tennant after flicking through Smash Hits.

Ian Wright’s Unfit Kids (9pm, Channel 4) reached a fairly satisfactory denouement – all the little chubsters look slightly less Weeble like, even the one who had four (FOUR!) TVs in his bedroom, the parents were all grateful and Wrighty declares all his efforts to be duly werrrf it.

One wonders if there are going to be enough troubled teenagers to sustain this kind of programming - there seemed to be dozens of them in Ballet Changed My Life: Ballet Hoo! (10pm, Channel 4) Nearly all seem to have quite harrowing domestic stories, prised out of them by a mix of gung ho Oprah style Yanks and namby pamby Guardian reading patronising Brits that made up their yoof workers. My early favourite is the Lemar lookalike kid who is to play Tibault in their version of Romeo and Juliet.

Forget Montagues and Capulets, Paul Burrell versus just about everyone on Trust Me I’m a Holiday Rep (11pm, Five) provoked just as much spleen venting hatred. “She’s just a housewife. From the north,” minced Burrell about pseudo boss Julie, before laying into his fellow contestants including Roland Rivron “I thought it was someone related Roland Rat!” Noel from Hear’say and the splendidly good time chap Brandon Block who I might now just have a bit of a crush on. But what was Lucy Rusedski doing presenting this low rent Love Island? Surely Greg’s not that shit at tennis? And doesn’t she look like Nookie Bear with a wig and massive dimples chiselled in? – go on, Google Nookie Bear and you’ll see.

But crap syrup of the week has to go to Andrew Neil on the Labour Party Conference (11:30 am, BBC2) - it was a slow day on the freelance front, OK! Since the Thick Of It, all this political posturing seems a massive parody of itself. The best thing Gordon Brown could do is sign up Peter Capaldi before Dave Cameron gets there first.