Ian Wrong, Wrong, Wrong

Is Ian Wright on TV again? Mark Lewis investigates what's going on

In Ian Wright’s Unfit Kids (Wednesday, Channel 4, 9pm) Ian Wright continues the genre of mystery in which the footballer-cum-tv presenter has so far excelled. The subtlety of mystery is not what you would immediately associate with ‘Wrighty’ but the conundrum of why he keeps on getting work is one for Miss Marple…

Okay, so I wrote that paragraph before I had even watched the programme but Marple would not be disappointed. Exhibit 1: boundless enthusiasm for stating the fucking obvious. (‘Kids these days is really fat man’).

Exhibit 2: A messianic complex, which makes Michael Jackson look like Rab C Nesbit. ‘I don’t know anything now what is more important than what I’m doing,’ says Wrighty, conveniently forgetting about brain surgeons, diplomats and people what work in launderettes. (Oh yeah and whatever it is Jamie Oliver does these days, upon whose programmes this derivative dirge seeks to trade.)

Cue Wrighty looking seriously concerned Jamie-style about these kids who are probably going to die of being fat, lazy, and their parents’ children long before this three part fart of a TV programme sees its blubbery conclusion. Captain Wrighty's got only three weeks to save these children's lives with exercise and stuff or something I think.

Channel 4 isn’t even trying, which you can no longer say about Channel 5. Its hour of comedy starts with Swingers (10pm) then Respectable (10.30pm) and ends up being a near complete waste of sixty minutes. But at least Five has started making its own programmes for primetime, and while Swingers is just a bog standard sketch show, Respectable’s attempt at a sweet sitcom set in a brothel is at least original. Unfortunately its shit. And you wouldn’t need Marple to work that out.