Eastenders Come on Down

Lucien Mettommo struggles through an evening of turgid dross

Okay so the world cup is over, or might as well be. Television scheduling has returned to normality, and it’s hard to say whether this is a good thing considering the tripe served up to the public on Thursday night. I began the evening by enduring an episode of Eastenders (7.30, BBC1). I know it’s the summer doldrums and the big winter storylines are but a cataract glint in the writers’ eyes, but this was actually painful to watch.

Sonia reluctantly signed her divorce papers. Isn’t it about time we put the Sonia story to bed? It’s a sick joke by the writers to have the love-life of this homely looking lass relentlessly visited again and again. Perhaps we could change the premise of this series altogether and make it into some sort of gameshow.

I personally enjoyed playing spot the Winston (three times by the way) in between weak dialogue that makes Big Brother contestants look like Noel Coward. Another game could be “spot the improbable scenario” in which a character’s moral decision is determined by overhearing a random conversation in the Queen Vic.

After Eastenders, I didn’t believe by fragile soul could withstand an episode of Holby City or the Bill. So to lift my spirits I decided to watch my taped version of the second round World Cup match between the Ukraine and Switzerland.

An hour later I returned to the television schedule and decided that since my mind was already in meltdown, I would watch Big Brother (9pm, Channel 4). The episode revolved around the eviction decision made by Aisleyne and the subsequent 40 minutes of tears which followed. They are a cretinous bunch but I believe I have a new favourite. I always liked Pete largely because he says ‘wanker’. But now, with the arrival of Spiral, a north-side Dubliner, I’ve changed my mind. He’s clearly a recovering heroin addict and watching him slowly fall to pieces will be great telly.

To round off a proper bastard Thursday TV I settled down to an episode of 2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (UK Gold, 10.50pm). Enough said.