Tuesday, August 22

The Cookies

The biggest TV event of the summer (apart from the World Cup and Love Island) goes out like a damp firwork with David Cook's annual Big Brother awards...

And so, having gone on at least ten days too long, BigBrother dawdled onto its predictable, Pete-winning conclusion. And to mark this memorable summer in which we learned not to laugh at Tourettes sufferers (for abit) – and because the final wasn’t particularly remarkable, aside from Nikki’s nervous breakdown on exit (suspicious that she somehow rallied enough to go“Where’s my best bits?” though, eh?) - we present to you the BB 2007 awards. Cue half-hearted trumpet fanfare.

The ‘One That Should Have Won’ award goes to… Aisleyne
Not because she was edited unfairly (though she was), not because she seems like a really nice girl with, as your mum might say, a good head on her shoulders (though she does), but because Grace hated her. And any right-thinking person can see that the best way to decide anything is to do exactly the opposite of what Grace would like, because Grace is – and this is no exaggeration – the worst person who ever lived. Like, ever. Yes, worse than Sezer. And you don’t want to be like Grace, do you? Thought not.

The ‘Hardest Done By’ award goes to… Sam
Goes in. Is incredibly lovely to everyone. Gets turfed out on her ear for ‘being too nice’. That’s the sort of people that go onto BB, Sam. You were better off out of it.

The ‘Left Too Early’ award goes to… Shahbaz
Shahbaz had the potential to be the best BB housemate ever. Seriously. It was like Lorraine Kelly trapped in the body of a middle-aged gay Scotsman. The way he pounced on everybody as they arrived, cooing “Oooohhhh, you’re sooooo looooovely, aren’t you?”while stroking their hair like a lonely granny desperate for affection was classic TV, though admittedly probably terrifying for everyone on the receiving end. And what more genius response is thereto an argument about food rationing than empty the contents of the fridge into the garden overnight, thus condemning everyone to a week’s starvation? Come the day that BB decide to stick a contestant from a past series into a new house mid-run, it has to be the‘Baz.

The ‘Funniest Moment’ award goes to… Lea
No, really. Lea scoops the award for this followingexchange way back on the first night.
“Hi, Lea, I’m Sezer.”
“What, like the salad?”
Admittedly, that’s the joke we’d all have made as well. But having clearly expected to hear the words “what, like the emperor?”, the momentary look of anguish that passed over Ratboy’s face was the undisputed highlight of the series.

The ‘Why Do Channel 4 Keep Putting These People In?’ award goes to… Imogen
She just sat and stared into space. For twelve weeks! Every year there’s someone like this. For pity’s sake, C4, you could have put in anyone at all, and every single series there’s someone who’s the televisual equivalent of beige wallpaper. No more, please.

The ‘Fastest Metabolism’ award goes to… Glyn
Glyn did little other than eat (and fart) for thirteen weeks, yet when he left was even more pipe cleaner-esque than when he arrived. How in blazes did he do that? Give this man a diet segment on GMTV, pronto.

The ‘Chat-Up Line Of The Series’ award goes to… Spiral
“She’s got an arse like a loaf of bread and I just want a slice.” There’s some sort of genius in that, there really is.

And finally,

The ‘They’ll Understand In Court If YouStick A Knife In ‘Em’ award goes to…Grace
Or Nikki. Or Sezer, or Lisa or Mikey. Any reasonable jury would let you off. (NB: this is not a legal guarantee.)

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