Oh, Brother...

Richey Nash spends the evening waiting for fireworks when Aisleyne goes back into the main BB house. Instead he gets waterworks. Curses.

For me Ray Mears’ Bushcraft (UKTV History, 9pm) is the most pointless show on TV. I don’t need the skills to survive in a barren netherworld. Why hunt, kill and skin a deer for clothes when I can spend £4 on a Primark shirt instead?

But that’s not my main problem: my main problem is Ray Mears, a man smarmier than any supposedly rough, tough outdoor type should be. And by the way, if he’s supposed to live off non-poisonous worms and tree bark, why isn’t he thinner? The only way he lives off bushcraft is if he’s found a way to transform tree bark into cake.

“Even here [in the US] there are places rich in bushcraft,” he says, two minutes in. No Ray, there are places like the Greater Yellowstone Ecosystem – the largest wilderness in the US – where nobody goes. And if you go there you’ll have to use bushcraft, but don’t pretend everyone’s doing it. Normal people find it too wildernessy.

Feeling resentful I switched to Gordon Ramsay’s F Word (Channel 4, 9pm), in time to see Darren Gough giving Gordon a tender ballroom dancing lesson in the kitchen.

“You can be my bitch,” said Darren.

“Later, Darren,” said Gordon. And they kissed. Well, they didn’t, hardly surprising given Gordon’s jibes about Darren’s pink t-shirt.

Then Janet Street-Porter did a film about killing a goat. But even watching a goat die while JSP talked in her idiosyncratic nasal whine was more pleasant than the bits where Gordon ramped up his sweary bit: apparently JSP’s a ‘mouthy gobshite’ who talks ‘bollocks’, but brought him cooked goat that was ‘fucking delicious’. How manly.

But the best bit was when Ramsay had a go at the restaurant customers for not liking one of his dishes. Apparently it was too watery. Gordon’s response? “It’s poached, for fuck’s sake.” You tell ‘em, Gordon. It's yours: it can’t be rubbish.

And then Davina McCall introduced a “very special” Big Brother (Channel 4, 10pm). You may have noticed there’s a new house. In fact, so have the housemates because the walls are too thin and they can hear each other through them. Nice one. Clearly the builders are thicker than those walls.

Last night four of these went into the main house. Now, the Animal-O-Meter broke so I’ve wheeled out the Richey Nash Furniture-O-Meter to rate them:

Jayne
Says “I’m mad, me” and looks like a bad trannie
Furniture: cheap tacky leather sofa with overly big cushions

Jennie
Boring girl who thinks she’s interesting
Furniture: bidet – looks naughty but it’s pointless. And she's in the BB house, which means she’s close to a lot of arseholes. Fwahaha...

Michael
Has a face that looks both friendly and whiny
Furniture: old wooden throne with a few flourishes

Spiral
Irish Vanilla Ice who explains rap threats unthreateningly
Furniture: magazine rack – you wouldn’t notice if it was gone

And a quick mention for the following guy who got sent home after Aisleyne was forced to choose to kick out him or Spiral. Byeee…

Jonathan
Vest wearing muscle man who wears women’s pants. Maybe.
Furniture: a sold dependable cupboard

It was all a bit boring, drawn out and confusing. But what we really wanted to see was Aisleyne going back to the house of hatred. What drama. What excitement. What a let down that they didn’t have time to show any of it, even after extending it to an hour and five minutes. And the few seconds they showed were Aisleyne crying. Diddums.

More pointless than Ray Mears? More of an offensive waste of time than Gordon Ramsay? It could only be BB.