Thursday, May 11

Until ugliness do us part

Helen Parton discovers that when it comes to modern nuptials, love most definitely isn’t blind

We Brits used to sneer at plastic surgery programmes – just a few years ago Vanessa Feltz was introducing us to some hapless Valley Girl undergoing ‘anal bleaching’ on Cosmetic Surgery Live. Only in America, we sneered, would such self ‘improvement’ procedures be considered the norm. While I’m not accusing Tammy and Rob, stars of Bride and Grooming (Five, 8pm) of having their nether regions interfered with in such a way, what they went through was nonetheless shocking. They say a wedding’s ‘the bride and groom’s big day’ – well clearly we live in changed times and it now must conform to some insane aesthetic standards.

Three weeks before getting hitched Rob was to get a nose job, new pecs and straighter teeth; Tammy was to also get a new nose plus new boobs and a plumper top lip – so much for a teasmade, breadmaker and casserole dish. Apart from their desire to go under the knife, they seemed perfectly normal – thousands of Tammys and Robs are probably working in banks, electrical stores and insurance offices up and down the country. Or maybe being so obsessed with how you look that even though you’re with somebody, who supposedly loves you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, you seem hell bent on messing with what nature gave you IS the norm these days. Was nature trying to tell them something though, when a hurricane destroyed their honeymoon resort, I couldn’t help but wonder?

If that wasn’t enough, even their lovely church got in on the act, clad in unsightly scaffolding for the proceedings – preparing for the inevitable ‘Ten Centuries Younger’ where a hybrid of Nicky Hambleton Jones and Simon Scharma knocks a few hundred years off a chapel or two. Anyway, our couple got their bandages off in time and all was well. “They can start their new lives together filled with new confidence and new love,” trilled Janet Ellis’ voiceover at the end. I’m not the first to say it, but when ‘Self Esteem Boosting Without Surgical Procedures Live’ comes on TV – now THAT’LL really be something worth tuning in for.

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