Thursday, March 13

Review: Sports Relief does The Apprentice

As appealing as Lembit Opik no doubt is, he's never going to pip Louise Redknapp for celebrity lolly, says Mark Lewis

However evenly the teams might be matched. However adept the business acumen of the respective clans. However much you don’t like bullshitters or schmoozers: Unless you can give an ageing billionaire a hope he might cop a feel of Louise Redknapp’s tits, you ain’t never gonna win celebrity Apprentice.

In Sport Relief does The Apprentice (Wednesday, 9pm, BBC1) the men’s team were neither well matched nor adept. Whether they liked bullshitters or schmoozers is difficult to tell. They certainly weren’t very good at it. Mr Cheeky Girl, aka. Lembit Opik, aka. Limp Bizkit winked at Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone, and said, “whatever you want - within the law - I’ll do it.”

Why stop at the law? What chance a back bench Lib Dem MP making a legal promise to a man who bought the Labour government for 100,000 packets of fags?

Oh yes, Lembit, perhaps you could persuade your party to sit ineffectively in the cheap seats in The Commons for 80 years campaigning limply in the west country for better rights for badgers.

Then palm off Bernie Ecclestone.

If then, you could just persuade your Cheeky Girl missus to be less Romanian, more footballer’s wife, less former X-Factor, more like her what’s married to Jamie Redknapp; and with whiter teeth then you might be able to persuade Mike Ashley to part with some cash.

Mike Ashley spent £100,000 on three tickets for some ropey shopping do the girls had put together, at just the faintest whiff of a chance of a feel off Louise Redknapp. He owns Newcastle United and founded the sports chain, Sports Direct. Sports Direct sells a load of Lonsdale gear. Limp Bizkit persuaded Lonsdale to donate £1,500 worth of sports tat.

At a sporting imbalance of £98,500, the boys were going to have to put their own white-toothed battle plan into action. Former Sun editor, Kelvin MacKenzie, has definitely had some dental work done but he was too busy offending his team mates to offer anyone a cheeky feel.

Hardeep Singh Kohli was “fucking thick,” he was “like Hitler”, supposed to be managing a team, “not invading fucking Poland.” Limp Bizkit’s call to his Cheeky Girl, meanwhile, wasn’t going to raise “any more than about £80.”

In the end the boys were spared utter humiliation by Ecclestone’s offer to double whatever they earned. Perhaps that Cheeky hand job worked after all.

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